“The Holiday” and an Update

Tonight I’m laying here on the couch watching “The Holiday” for probably the 20th time this year. I LOVE this movie. It’s become similar to my experience with “The Father of the Bride” years ago. It got to the point that I’d seen that movie so many times I could just put it on and let it run in the background. I laughed at all the good points and often cried at heartfelt points as well, despite how many times I’d seen it. The same is now with “The Holiday”. Plus, it’s got a great film score that is so relaxing and comforting.

I’m mentally preparing for the fact that school starts for me tomorrow. Granted it’s only the writing workshop which is actually a preliminary class, yet it is indeed school! A little nervous. But I’ve had a great opportunity recently to hang with other new students. It’s fun to learn of other people’s path to Mars Hill. It’s fascinating. And it’s comforting to know we’re all in the same sort of boat. In a new city, facing a new adventure and a new challenge. I’m hoping we’ll continue to bond around that theme and find a sense of community together.

It’s been about 1 1/2 weeks since I’ve been in Seattle. At times I’ve felt like getting out and exploring and other times not so adventurous. I think it’s good and natural. I’ve tried to be good to myself. Not pushing yet gently encouraging myself to get out and engage the city as often as I can. I’ve learned to measure distances in blocks or bus routes, not miles. I’ve learned to only buy as much as I’m willing to carry the 9 blocks I must walk home. I’ve learned to carry all I need in my backpack (including a bottle of water, a raincoat, ipod and journal) in addition to always wearing comfortable shoes.

I had a job interview this past week that will hopefully be as promising as it felt at the time. It’s a job working for an apt building nearby (1 1/2 blocks away). I’d be the greeter/concierge/doorperson. The concept of that was lost on me coming from San Antonio where there aren’t many apartment concierges. But, here in the city, most apartment buildings have one. It’s the person that answers questions for visitors or collects packages for a resident or directs visitors to the leasing staff. It’s a great “people person” job and a nice change to all my studies. The job would be part-time on Sat/Sun and should be enough for me to live off of, hoping for more hours over the holidays covering other people while they are on vacation or time off. It looks to be a great opportunity. I had two interviews this past week and the decision making manager will return from vacation tomorrow and will hopefully be interested in hiring me. Please pray for that. I’ll update you as soon as I know something.

Sharon, your jar is open!

This week I’m working on my first paper. It’s for the Writing Workshop, a preliminary class to teach us how to write well-formed and appropriately cited papers. I’m excited to meet other students and learn a bit about the mechanics of writing a good paper, but I cringe a bit at the vulnerability of it all. See, I’m not afraid to share my heart and my struggle, rather I am afraid of not getting the mechanics right and losing the perspective I’m trying to express. It’s like someone taking your diary/journal and analyzing it/picking it apart. It feels as if they are analyzing your experience but they’re not. I know this. It’s the feeling that’s the problem.

So back to this paper. I was asked to read “The Secret Life of Bees” by Sue Monk Kidd. In the book , the main character Lily Owens encounters bees that come into her room at night. She’s mesmerized by them and in some ways envies their ability to fly. She captures a few of them and puts them in a jar. Later she realizes they were not intended to be kept in a jar but to fly and so unscrews the jar to release them. The bees stay despite the open jar. Later in her story, a series of events speak to her as if to say “Lily Owens, your jar is open!” She felt empowered to leave her situation and embrace a new future for herself. Later she remembered that moment as being a very significant moment. And even the bees played an important role.

For me, I look back over the past couple years. And I sense the Lord saying to me, “Sharon, your jar is open”. I was walking down the street yesterday on the way to the grocery store just saying that line over and over again in my mind. It brought great encouragement and profound pain at the same time. Pain for all the years I’ve lived inside the jar either by my choice or by my circumstances. The last two years have been the most painful of my life as I have grieved the loss of my marriage and begun to open new chapters in my story. I’ve experienced some of the deepest points of loss and grief I’ve ever known. And yet beneath it all, I had a sense I was being freed.

Now I stand in a new city, a new place, a new life… I hear the words “Sharon, your jar is open” and feel it in my soul. Deep inside my being because it’s true. I’m meant to fly, to do so much more, but now the only thing holding me back is me.

Settling in Seattle

It’s been a few days since arriving in Seattle so I thought it was time to post a few thoughts. Also, a link to a few photos.

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=50490&l=8603e&id=668843227

First, I’m so thankful to have a great apartment and wonderful new roommate. I feel so fortunate to have made a connection with Christy a few months ago that afforded me the opportunity to move straight into an apartment after departing the plane here in Seattle. I know a few fellow students that have had to wrestle with finding a place and arrived in Seattle without a home. Of course, things have always worked out and they found a place. But, I’m very aware of the fact that I’m not only fortunate to have a place to live but one that has the most amazing view of Seattle, the Puget Sound and the Space Needle. I’ve watched the sun set over the Sound the last couple nights and it’s been amazing.

Second, Seattle is nothing like San Antonio. Of course I knew this from my previous visit back in February 2007 but now that this is my new home, I realizing the reality each day. That and living in the city is a whole new experience. I love the energy of the city, especially a city like Seattle which is full of creative life. But, getting to sleep amidst the sirens and construction working is a hurdle I think I’ve overcome with an invention called “ear plugs”. They seem to do the trick. The weather, once again unlike San Antonio, is quite lovely. The last few days have been in the 80s with a bright, shining sun and clear skies. At night it seems to get down into the 60s or so which makes for wonderful sleeping weather. I’m told the rain will come soon enough and so I’m squeezing all I can out of these incredible days.

Third, school starts for me on August 18 with a two-week course on writing. It will be an opportunity for me to brush up on my writing skills and be reminded on how to properly cite my research sources and similar rules we all promptly forget after leaving college in the first place. But, while I’m fairly nervous about the whole writing process, I’m sure the class will be invaluable in preparing me for the months ahead. Formal classes do not start until September 2 and even at that, the week is primarily filled with orientation, convocation and retreat. It will be a very busy week.

Last, I’m beginning to work intently on finding a job. It’s quite a difficult feat since I need one that will allow me to go to school and have a fairly flexible schedule. Additionally, I don’t have much of a background in part-time jobs. My strength is more in the office/admin field. Those, of which, do not often offer such flexibility. But, I’m preparing my resume and searching through many different sites for opportunities. I know God has a plan for me. I trust that He will take care of me. And I yet I wrestle deeply with a great sense of panic that I won’t be able to find a job. I know it seems silly and irrational to some but when faced with this uncertainty, it’s difficult. I sense a crossroads of my faith in these days of preparation for school. While my lips and my heart trust God, my mind going a million miles a minute wonders at the logic of it all. Will God really provide? Will He really catch me and hold me each step of the way? It’s part of the journey. I’ll keep you posted.

My Last Night in Texas

It’s my last night in Texas. Hard to believe it’s really happening. In many ways I feel like tomorrow is just gonna be a regular day… get up, go to work, come home, go to sleep and do it all over again. Nope, tomorrow is gonna be different. Radically different.

I think about when I was living in Naples, Florida back in 96-97. During that time a significant hurricane was headed straight for Naples. The night before it was forecasted to hit, I stood on the beach, trying to imagine what it would look like the next day. The silence was eerie. Like nature knew something significant was about to happen so it was resting while it could.

I sit here with the same sense of anticipation. There is a calmness to my heart yet a sense of knowing come tomorrow everything will be different. A new chapter starts in a very pronounced way. I leave Texas with as many earthly possessions packed into 3 suitcases, a carryon and a bag. Everything else I own is packed away in storage.

I’ve been in a contemplative mood over the last few weeks. Trying to prepare my heart for this change. Trying to find a way to wrap my mind around this leap of faith. Trying to grasp the magnitude of this new chapter. For a time I grieved. I grieved the losses of the past. The perceived security I had just a couple years ago… of family, home, job… things. Things that reminded me I was safe. Only a perception of safety, mind you. But sometimes a perception is all we need to get through the day. However, at the end of the day that perception is empty when not connected with what is in our hearts… to give, to do, to be. Still, I needed to grieve the loss of what I had. It was part of my former chapter. Tomorrow starts a new chapter. Tomorrow I trade in perceived security and safety for a new experience. A new reality.

Dealing with Loss

Recently I’ve been dealing with loss. It feels like a theme in my life. Surely the theme of my recovery life over the last 7 years. And I’ve noticed I’m not good with it… but, I guess, who really is? But, seriously, I suck at dealing with loss in my life. It begins to resonate with all the losses of the past which makes the current loss all the more complicated. I feel like a ping-pong ball in a machine just bouncing from one trigger to another. I lose prespective along with my sanity.

This week I had to say goodbye to someone I love so much, so deeply. It’s not really goodbye forever, but definitely for the next 5 months. It’s the difference between nearly constant contact to none at all. There are reasons for this, reasons that are good and healthy. It’s necessary but insanely painful.

Why? Because this loss echoes to all the other losses of male relationships in my life… all the way back to my father that died when I was 19 before I could work out my identity as his daughter… the boyfriend in college that wanted to go on a break because he needed to focus on school… men I dated that chose to move on… and of course my ex-husband who wanted a different life with a new woman. Loss upon loss upon loss.

Friends remind me that this loss, this experience is different than the others. N. isn’t leaving forever, only 5 months. He’ll be back. This isn’t a guaranteed loss. I remind myself.

Crazy? Brave? Both!

In a little over two weeks I’ll be landing in Seattle to start a brand new chapter in my story. I’ll be starting classes at Mars Hill Graduate School in September but during the month of August I’ll be getting settled, looking for a job, taking a few preliminary classes and overall finding my way in a new place.

I’m excited… no doubt about it. It’s a wonderful new opportunity. But, understandably, I’m scared. I’m leaving behind all that is familiar and grounded in my life. Many people are surprised by this statement from me because I just spent 6 months in Australia and didn’t have this much fear about that. I don’t know. Maybe I knew I was coming back and it wasn’t forever. Seattle? Well, the program is three years and after that, I don’t know. God is in charge of that. So, I kinda feel like I’m saying an indefinite “goodbye” to my life here in San Antonio, Texas.

Certainly it is a “goodbye” to the life I’ve known… corporate job, beautiful home, great family and friends, security… but in all honesty, that was turned upside down when I went through my divorce nearly two years ago. And it was because of that imposed unsettledness that I chose to make this major life change. It was time. I’d been talking about going to grad school for nearly 8 years. I asked God to show me a future since the one I had was no longer what I thought it was going to be. He opened my eyes to Mars Hill. Each step I took brought me closer to Seattle and school.

Now the time is arriving that I take the biggest step… getting on that plane, saying goodbye to friends and family, creating a new life for myself in a new city. Some friends call me brave, some call me crazy. I guess I’m a little of both.

On the Mend

A few days ago I went through a lithotripsy surgery that allowed my doctor to crush the kidney stone in my left kidney. I’m very thankful that I was able to see the urologist and have the surgery all within a couple weeks. I’m also very grateful for great team of doctors and nurses that went through it all with me. It’s a simple procedure but since I’d never been put under general anesthesia before, I was pretty jittery. They were great and made the whole process “enjoyable”, if that’s possible.

Now I’m home and recovering. Actually my extended weekend is almost at a close. I’ve been laying, sleeping, sitting in this bed for the better part of the last 3 days. At times in a vicodin-induced fog which sounds much more fun than I found it to be.

Now what?

Good question. I’m wondering the same thing.

What I’m finding is I’ve turned into a hypochondriac, or so it seems. I’ve logged and analyzed every symptom, twinge and pain over the past 4 months. I’ve wondered and worried far more than necessary. So now that the issue is resolved, the stone has been crushed and the pieces have been passed… it should be over, right? I REALLY hope so.

Honestly? I’m tired… wait, I’m EXHAUSTED. This medical drama has bled me for every ounce of strength and courage I have within me… and that was in the first month. Since then, I’ve leaned on God for everything. I still am, but my spirit is tired and very weak. I’m tired of pain and tired of not knowing what’s going on in my own body.

I know this bend in the road is yet another opportunity to trust God to encourage and provide for me. But I lack even the strength to hope in this moment. I’m still in some minor – moderate pain. On top of the general recovery from the lithotripsy, I pulled my back getting out of the shower yesterday. That adds another dimension to the myriad of symptoms and pain. Just what I need, right?

So, I’m on the mend… it isn’t pretty but it represents all of life for me right now… nothing for certain but trusting a moment at a time. Please pray for me.

Urologist says…

A quick turn of events this week allowed me to see the urologist this morning.  I’ll take a quick moment to tell you about it because it was COOL, then I’ll tell you what the doctor said. 

Due to the fact that I’m enrolled in a county health program (Carelink), I am required to go through a myriad of steps in order to see a specialist.  So, when my primary care doctor referred me nearly two weeks ago, she also provided me with a few phone numbers to follow-up.  I dutifully followed up but was unable to get anywhere.  More phone calls, more messages, more dead ends. 

Wednesday I finally got ahold of the woman handling the referrals.  She informed me that the process of medical review would take a minimum of two weeks.  Despite my fuss and fight, there was nothing more she could do.  I changed my tone and leaned on her compassion as I told her of my long journey through pain and uncertainty.  She suggested I try to get back to my doctor to see if she could help but apologized that she couldn’t do more. 

About 4 hours later, she called to tell me she had good news.  She’d described my situation to a few colleagues.  She explained that while my kidney stone is not obstructing anything at the moment, it could easily do so.  They suggested she refer me directly to a urologist.  And so she did.  She told me they’d be sending me a message in the mail (how archaic..lol) but I could call them directly.  I did and they scheduled me for this morning (TWO days later!).  That in itself is a miracle because the other office I was working with was showing at least a 4 week wait to see a urologist. 

Now… back to my regularly scheduled report… the urologist says that I do indeed have a 6mm stone in my kidney, I even got to see my CT scan films (pretty cool).  There was a brief concern about a cyst he saw on my scan but according to the radiologist doctor that reviewed my scan, the cyst is functional and not of concern.  I will however keep it in mind when I next see my ob/gyn. 

The curious part of this is that the stone in my kidney does not explain the pain I’ve been having.  After further discussion, it appears that I most likely already passed a small stone about a week or so ago, right before the CT scan was done.  That would explain the intense pain I experienced and the resulting pain and soreness after that but no pain or blood since then.

While the stone in my kidney is not at a threat of moving right now, I’ve decided to have it crushed so I won’t have to worry about it attempting to make an exit at an inopportune moment.  So, within the next couple weeks I’ll be schedule for a lythotripsy procedure.  For those not acquainted with the process, it is a non-invasive process to break apart kidney stones through the use of shock waves.  It’s an outpatient procedure but will require me to be under general anesthesia and an extended dose of pain medications to take while the stone fragments pass through my system. 

While I’m nervous about the procedure, I’m certainly glad that some answers are coming about and that I’m getting the care I need.  Please continue to keep me in your prayers.  I’ll update you as I know more.

Test Results… Next Steps

A week ago I visited the doctor for an update on my medical tests.  To say I was nervous would be a huge understatement.   The months of waiting and wondering… fighting the overwhelming urge to despair… it was all catching up to me.  God had led me to a place of acceptance… whatever happened, He would be with me and in Him I would have the strength I needed to face it.  I just wanted to know what was going on.

Waiting is the worst.  With no answers, no hope.  We wait.  Our minds formulate all possible results… If A happens then that means B will follow and so I’ll need to do C.  Honestly, a person can only go around that crazy cycle a few times before insanity starts to set in.  Or, at least threatens to. 

So, I was sitting there in the doctors office… repeating Ps 91:14-16 over and over again.  Mingling fear and hope.  It’s such a difficult place to be. 

The doctor finally came in to tell me that I have a kidney stone.  It’s 6mm in size and is not currently obstructing anything.  She is referring me to a urologist for further consult.  Mixed with that was news that other than the stone, I’m in good health.  SOOOO thankful to hear those words.  Having lived with fear that something life-threatening could be wrong with me, it was soothing balm to my ears to hear that all was well aside from the stone. 

Now… I wait for the urologist.  Because I’m being seen through the county medical program, there is much “review” and red tape associated with seeing a specialist.  Fortunately (providentially?), the job I’m currently working that was to end mid June was extended to the end of June and then extended again to the end of July.  So, my timeline to move to Seattle has shifted.  It looks like I’ll be in Seattle early August. 

Despite all the evidence that God has provided for me in the past… I still have a sense of anxiety about getting to the doctor and getting everything ready and moved to Seattle.  It’s hard to see how it all could possibly work out right.  Yet, I know God is so much bigger than this situation, this moment.  The working out of my faith is a painful thing. 

Thank you for your prayers and thoughts.  They mean the world to me.

CT Scan Done

Just a quick post to update you on the events of my CT scan today.

I’m so glad that my friend Tami was able to go with me.  Originally I thought I could just go by myself and then as the date of the scan came closer, I really felt I should have someone to help me stay calm before going in and someone there in case something happened.  At the last minute when my brother had to leave for Ft. Worth, Tami agreed to go with me.  It was such a HUGE blessing to have her there.

The CT scan was of my pelvis and abdomen area.  It also included contrast dye which was given to me via an IV.  It didn’t take long for me to get admitted with a short wait to be called back to the staging area and even shorter wait to be brought into the scan room.  I was hooked up to an IV and then positioned on the moving table.  The technician instructed me on the different stages of my scan.  First scan was just a baseline scan.  Then the dye would be injected.  Second scan.  Wait 10 minutes for everything to completely go through my system.  Third scan.  Done. 

Though I was verbally prepared for the effects of the contrast dye, I was not emotionally ready.  It was quite a jolt to my system to feel the warm, metallic feeling go through me.  The experience was almost exactly what I experience with a panic attack.  THAT trigger was immense and it took God’s steady presence to help me through.  I counted back from 10 as I felt completely overwhelmed with my body sending signals to my brain that something was wrong, a reason to panic.  I kept breathing and repeating the Matt Redman song “You never let go” in my head.  In time, the sensation lessened and finally went away.  WOW… that was weird.

And then I was done.  It went really quickly and surprised Tami when I returned to the waiting area so soon.  We went for lunch since I’d been fasting and could have nothing to drink.  I downed a big glass of tea and savored the ziti with meat sauce. 

I’ll know the results of these tests as well as my blood work done last week on Monday.  I verified with the technician today that everything would be ready for the doctor on Monday morning and he said it would.  So, please continue to pray that whatever it is that’s going on with my body will be easily diagnosed and easily treated. 

All is in God’s hands and I know He has a plan for my life.  But, I also believe in the power of prayer.  Pray for my continued peace and the healing of my body.  I covet each prayer you can give on my behalf. 

With much love,

Sharon