Control… it’s a funny thing. Even Janet Jackson has a song about it. But, if you think about it, life could not be effectively lived without control. We’d never get out of bed, eat all the wrong stuff, say all the wrong things… it would be bedlam. Then there’s the other side of control, the “over the top” side of control where every single thing is pulled apart and analyzed for control. The need to not only control ourselves but others as well. It can definitely get out of hand.
Me? I like being in control, I’ll admit it. And unfortunately for me and my desire to be in control, my life has been COMPLETELY out of control for the past couple years. I’ve been stripped of any hold on my life. I’m in a new city, with new surroundings, new friends, new functioning, new everything. So, yeah, I’ve been trying to hold it all together. To adjust and accommodate this new life of mine.
On top of the normal adjusting, I continue to wrestle with panic attacks. At times they are on and off all day. Some days there are none. When they do come, I try to control them so they don’t overwhelm me as they threaten to do so often. It’s exhausting to not only feel the weight of all the changes in my life but to also manage these attacks.
Each task that comes my way, I take it and manage it to the best of my ability. Then I soon realize just how many tasks I’m carrying. At a point of exhaustion, I turn around to see my life’s backpack full to overflowing of things I’m carrying and managing and controlling. How did THAT happen? One at a time, I suppose.
As strange as the analogy sounds, it’s happened… is happening… to me right now. I saw my therapist this week and she reminds me (cause I obviously need to be reminded) of the load I’m carrying not only physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, financially, etc. And in typical “Sharon” fashion, I look at her as if to say “what’s wrong with expecting myself to function at 1000%?” I do this to myself. And I hate it. I try to control so much. Not just the typical things that are necessary for a well-lived life. I ambitiously expect myself not only to do so much more than I can but to do it with a level of adeptness that is not human.
My body has been telling me for some time that I need to give myself some grace and I haven’t been able to figure out how to do that. I still don’t really know. I’m still neck-deep in grad school… wrestling with my emotions in relationships, fighting the deconstruction of my faith, piecing together myself one day at a time. But, it seems one way I can show myself some grace is in seeking a doctor’s help regarding the panic attacks, possibly utilizing drugs again to get the attacks under control. I don’t want to be on drugs again, but the intensity of my emotions are telling me that I’m in danger if I don’t listen to myself. This feeling of helplessness and hopelessness can be a slippery slope and needs to be treated with respect. And so, I realize that I cannot control… not everything, not even my own body at times.
I’m not certain how I feel about it all. Ambivalent. That’s how I feel. I love and hate control. I want to be able to control and yet I don’t like the need for control to be so strong. I wish I could let go more often than I do.
