I’m not gonna lie… this is TOUGH! I was thinking today why I’ve waited to post a new entry here. I think it’s because I haven’t had many happy and uplifting things to share and I fear an entry filled with moans and groans may not encourage you to return.
Oh well… I guess I’ll take that chance.
I’m finishing my 4th week of school and I’m exhausted. I kid you not. This undertaking has proven to be much bigger than I anticipated. It’s tough to find the words to explain something I’ve never experienced before. At times it reminds me of summer camp or 8th grade as I try to find which group of people I fit in with, or as I watch groups of girls clamoring after the same guys. These memories of my childhood are not necessarily the ones I’d like to repeat. But it seems I’m not the only one experiencing the same nostalgia in this new place. We joke about it at times and just laugh at the silliness of it all. Most of the married students probably don’t even see the jr high moments but the rest of us do. And all those crazy fears about being the last one chosen for the “team” come rushing back. I thought I left those back in the 80s.
At times being here reminds me of my undergrad studies, only in the similarities of classes and reading and papers. Not much is the same beyond that. Being a non-denominational seminary brings with it a host of strange experiences. My previous schooling was in a Grace Brethren school and while they were open to many other church denominations, most, if not all, were conservative protestants. Not at Mars Hill. And, to be honest, this is the reason I chose the school. I wanted the opportunity to study alongside people with an amazing heart and desire to delve deeper into life, despite their church affiliation. Sounds good in theory, reality is showing that to be much more convicting that expected. I find myself in discussions about the literalness of heaven and hell… about universal salvation… about the authority of Scripture. At times in my class, I’m challenged to pull apart the structure of my faith in an effort to understand it and rebuild it. In those moments I think, “Lord, who ARE you? WHERE are you in all this?” I have many more questions than answers.
At times this feels like the hardest place I’ve ever visited. Much of this first year, if not the remaining years as well, is about deconstructing, in an effort to reconstruct with greater strength. But, the deconstruction process is brutal. I’m not asked to run 10 miles carrying a heavy backpack like in bootcamp, but I am asked to enter a level of emotional and theological disruption that brings with it a pain as great as that physical task.
On Monday, it was my turn to share part of my story with my practicum group. I’ve shared pieces of my story many times. I have no problem sharing my heart and the struggles I’ve faced. It’s not a big deal. The challenge was not in the telling but in the responses I received from my group. They were so encouraging and supportive, challenging me to allow them to sit with me in the pain. I was prepared for questions and criticism not for people to ache with me and show me my own pain. Part of me wanted to run and yet I knew this was what my heart longed for. It was so painful and I literally ached after it was over, yet I had two more hours of class plus a couple meetings with friends in order to “decompress” from it all.
That is just a very small snapshot of my life. It’s tough. Tougher than my words can really explain. Do I want to leave? Nope. Do I ever consider it? Ironically, no. Maybe I’m just a sadist. But I believe there is hope amidst the tears. There is purpose beneath the pain.
I am thankful for a growing group of friends that have become dear to me. Having people I can call or do coffee/wine with or “hang” with has made all the difference for me in feeling like I have a place where I belong. At times I still do feel like an outsider but most of us still feel that way. I guess it’s par for the course.
I can’t promise I’m going to be very good at this blog thing. I definitely cannot promise they’re going to be happy posts. But I’ll try to post more often, just so you know I’m still alive and how I’m doing.
Shalom!
